Self doubt can kill new life

The place of doubt in Christian life has always taken front seat in the days following Easter as we read about the doubts of Thomas the Apostle (John 20.19ff). This is an obvious doubt that is easily recognisable.  This is the doubt that states "I do not believe you." and then it is up to others to prove the case. Yet, there is another form of doubt that we do not talk about much but is even more harmful then the doubt that is displayed by Thomas. In fact, Thomas' doubt is perhaps beneficial because we can see ourselves and the resolution of our doubts in Christ. Unseen self doubt decreases our worth in our own eyes and thus our belief of peoples opinions and society in general often sending us into a spiral of despair.

Whilst similar to Thomas in that it is doubt in what has been said, about oneself, it is not so easily overcome as a simple proof test. In entering into new life at Easter we should die to our sins and leave them behind at the foot of the cross. What we often do is surreptitiously pick them up again as we proceed away from the cross. This then becomes part of our denial of ourselves and of our brokenness that is spoken about in 1 John (1.10). The very act of picking up that which we dropped at the foot of the cross breaks us once more.  We believe that we have put it behind us but are in actuality carrying it.  We then say that we are without sin whilst hauling the baggage of our sin behind us like an enormous snail. In leaving those things that we have burdened ourselves with at the foot of the cross means that they should stay there.  However, our self doubt makes us return and pick up those things that have comforted us on our journey thus far.

Do your doubts overwhelm you or do you allow Christ;s light to shine in the world?

It is this self doubting of our worth and our ability to be loved by God that directs us to pick up the burdens of our prior life. The difficulty of course is obvious, how do you encourage someone who doubts themselves? The Gospel faith that Christ asks of Thomas and all others is perhaps but a clue towards our healing and redemption. It is in Acts that we find the final answer for ourselves (Acts 4.32-37). This story of the early community that was the body of Christ demonstrates where our burgeoning new life needs to be present. It is outwards towards the formation of community not inwards towards ourselves. We begin new life in community and in the presence of others as we saw on Good Friday. In turning inwards towards ourselves we begin the process of self doubt and believe ourselves not worthy enough. Here Thomas's interaction with Christ should be giving us the confidence to trust in God and allow Christ's presence to flow into our lives.

If we are to build a new community as the Good Friday reflections suggest then that community begins in trust. Trust in God / Christ that our previous inhibitions and burdens have been taken from us; trust in our companions in Christ that they are walking with us along the way; trust in ourselves that we are adult enough to ask for God's presence and the assistance of our companions when things get tough. It is only then that our lights lit by Christ at Dawn on Easter day will glow in the darkness of the world. In building ourselves and our communities in this light we begin to brighten the world around us until we become like the dawn fire of Easter giving light to those who are in darkness around us, lifting them up from their self doubts into the confidence of Christ's presence in their lives. This is the change that Christ brings the change that we are often so fearful of, a change that we cannot and do not recognise as Christ walks alongside us until we cast away our doubts into the fire of Christ's love.