Struggling to decide

I am not sure about you but when I make any major decision I struggle. I can spend a number of nights and days just coming to grips with the fact that a decision has to be made. In some respects I think we are all prone to this sort of struggle at least once in our lives. In a manner of speaking this is what is represented in the story of the night long wrestling match that results in the change of name from Jacob to Israel (Gen. 32:22-31). The decision from the various rabbinic sources is a decision with regards authenticity and authority rather than something more mundane. The change in name realises the change in Jacob's acceptance of who he is and his relationship to power and authority. This is not just a struggle that makes a decision but rather it is struggle that makes us change. In this understanding lies the challenge due to the fact that the result is a change to ourselves something that we fear that we will become injured and debilitated in the process.

Jacob sends his family and his household ahead of him across the river, like a good general he is leading from the rear by planning and trying to gauge the effects of his coming meeting with his brother. Also like any good leader he looks to rest from the distractions of leadership to have quiet time, like Christ (Matt. 14:13), to review the past and set up for the future. Yet, he is set upon and has to wrestle the night away. His wrestling is within himself, and is allegorically displayed by the "angel", perhaps Esau's guardian angel, as he struggles with his own doubts and fears of the life he is living and has lived. The decision to hold on to what has been or to move into a new life is a large one and is only made after we see the harm holding on does to us. The pain can become physically disabling not only for ourselves but also for the communities that we lead. Acceptance means that we begin to see ourselves in a new light and our ideas mature us towards the person that God wants us to be. In our own wrestling with our selves we begin to understand the needs of the people in the community around us. We place out needs behind us so that we can give to our community in such a manner that the gift becomes life giving. Where others may quail and step back we are able to step forward and find the solution that God has already prepared for us.

Leading from the front takes the pressure off but is a struggle

In many ways when we wrestle with our decisions we are wrestling with God as we are wrestling with a decision that will change our lives. If we are to grow in accordance with God's will then we struggle as our own thoughts and perceptions colour our decisions and deceive us away from what God would have us achieve. While we wrestle with God and our own way of doing things we will naturally change, even our names just as Jacob did. Even if we think we are not leaders or in positions of leadership we are indeed leaders as we portray God's way of love to the world and should be leading in this very thing. If we push people from behind, like Jacob, we will soon loose their interest and our own ability to lead them into new life. At some point we need to have courage to actually lead from the front with our convictions centred in God's presence. God inspired leadership takes us out of ourselves to see and lead with compassion from the front. The disciples come to Christ in a quandary about food even though Christ has been giving his all all day (Matt. 14:15). Instead of telling them to make the decision or moving of for quiet space, sympathy and compassion lead so that others may find comfort. In our own way we need to be able to do the same. We too often allow the attitude of Douglas Adams' SEP to come to the fore and not take the initiative. We often allow ourselves to make suggestions and let others do when often it is needful for us as Christ followers to lead our communities from the front. We then place God's love to the fore and become true disciples. This is where the struggle becomes part of our own being as we overcome and make things smoother for those behind.